


Write Your Way Out

by nevereverever



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Panic Attack, Polyamory, john is so worry, my babes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-23
Updated: 2016-03-14
Packaged: 2018-05-22 21:47:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6095074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nevereverever/pseuds/nevereverever
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Writing your way out is hard. They try so hard. Together</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi friends!  
> In case you didn't see in the tags, this story is about a panic attack, so if that is going to make you uncomfortable, probably don't read this. Stay safe! :)

When Alexander got home, he could hear the clatter of the keyboard coming from the study. He had been at work for a while. He knew John had been at work for even longer and had just come home, maybe an hour ago? Alexander had gotten texts from him about leaving work at some point, he couldn’t really remember. He couldn’t remember when John had last been home, maybe 40 hours ago, maybe longer.  
“John? Babe?” Alex called into the darkness of the apartment.  
Alexander heard murmuring coming from around the corner. Some of it sounded vaguely like the word Alex. No slowing of typing. Alexander rubbed his temples as he pulled out his phone to text Eliza. It was going to be a hard night.

To Lizalee: liza, john just got home and he seems upset no word yet on what. come asap  
From Lizalee: shit be right there  
To Lizalee: <3

Alexander shoved his phone back into his phone as he opened the door to the office. The room was dark and dingy, but for some reason it looked darker when John sat hunched over his computer. His fingers typing a mile a minute. Alex walked over to his boyfriend and put his hands on John’s shoulders, but quickly took his hands off when John flinched.

“John. Are you okay? I’m sorry.”  
“No. I’m okay.” John said between his breaths, his fingers never ceasing.  
“John. I don’t know what happened, but you can’t write your way out of it. I know. I’ve tried before.”  
The typing stopped. The silence in the room felt heavy, and John’s breath was labored like he was trying to breath lead. Alexander left the silence hang in the air for a minute, knowing from experience that sometimes that was all you need. After a moment, John’s soft crying punctuated the stillness of the air.  
“I can’t fix this Alex. I can’t fix anything. I try so hard to fix the world. To do something. Anything. I can’t do anything and now I am crying about nothing.”  
“I’m sorry John. Babe, you’ll be okay. You aren’t crying about nothing. You are upset. That isn’t a problem. I promise. Do you want to come sit on the couch with me?”  
John nodded, but he was still hyperventilating, “Don’t worry, okay? I’m here. I love you.”  
Getting to the couch felt like more of a labor than it probably was. Alex squeezed John’s hand and whispered confirmations, just to make sure John knew he wasn’t alone, that Alex wouldn’t leave, not ever. Alex sat down in his corner of the couch, and John rested his head in his boyfriend’s lap. Alex could feel John's heart pumping hard against his chest as he rubbed soothing circles into John’s back.  
“You’ll be okay. I love you. You are so strong and you do so much for so many people. I love you. Okay?”  
John nodded, and that was as much confirmation as Alex needed.  
Just as John’s breathing began to slow to the point where Alexander was able to take a breath himself, Eliza opened the door and crept in, just sliding onto the couch next to John's legs.  
“John.” she whispered, her face full of worry, “We love you. You know that right? We love you and you are so strong and smart and we love you.” She was mostly trying to calm herself down, and John could tell.  
“I know. I guess.” John said, a small smile gracing his face. John panicked so rarely. He was always the strong one. All of them were pretty darn fucked up in their own ways, but John always held them when everything was crumbling.  
A smile glanced across Alex’s face before the worry returned.  
“John? Are you okay enough that I can ask questions, or should we just sit here for a bit?”  
“Questions are good.” John replied after a pause.  
“Okay.” Alex paused for a moment, “Remember that you don’t have to answer something if it makes you feel panicky or upset.” John nodded and squeezed Eliza’s hand in response, “How long has it been since you’ve slept or eaten?”  
Eliza gave Alexander a quick glare, her “no, stop that” glare. He looked back at her, attempting to communicate in one facial expression that they really did need to know if John was physically okay. While his look didn’t necessarily get all of that across, Eliza understood.  
“I ate this morning. I think. Slept.” He said the word like it was foreign to him. “I don’t think I’ve slept since I’ve been home. I think.”  
Eliza sighed and rested her head on John’s leg.  
“Can I ask a question?” She asked. John gave her hand a squeeze as a go ahead.  
“How do you feel?”  
“I’m not good. I’ve been working on this case for so long and nothing is working. Nothing. I don’t know what to-”  
“Hey.” Eliza cut him off, “Hey. Don't get yourself caught in that right now. You’re so smart John. You can do this. I meant how do you feel emotionally and physically.”  
“Physically is easier.”  
“Okay.” Alex said, slowly running his fingers through John’s hair.  
“Not good. I’m cold, and I don’t know why. I’m hungry I think. Tired mostly.”  
Alex raised his hand to John’s forehead. “Babe, I think you have a fever.”  
“Oh.” John said, his voice non committal and distant. “Emotional now, right?” Eliza nodded, “Umm… sad, worried, undeserving, worthless, tired again. Angry.”  
“Oh John. You aren't undeserving or worthless. We both love you so much.” Eliza says, he voice taking on a tone that it only does when she is trying to be strong for other people.  
“No you don’t. I’m a burden. I always have been.”  
“John, I know you can’t accept it right not, but we do love you. We love you to the moon and back. I love you and Liza loves you.” Alex kissed John's forehead, “We really do.”  
“I’m supposed to be the strong one.” John murmured.  
“You are, my dearest.” Alex smiled, “You really are.”  
“Why are you angry John?” Eliza asked, her voice quiet and innocent.  
“I don’t know. I’m done. I’m done with injustice. I want to fight against it, but sometimes I just can’t. I just can’t. I need to fix things. It’s my purpose, and sometimes I just can’t. I don’t know. I’m frustrated.”  
Alex sighed. He felt the same way all the time.They both did. It was what brought them together. When something was wrong in the world, they just couldn’t let go.  
“I know. I know, it’s really hard. But you do so much. You’ve made so many people's lives better. You are making the world better. You are. Do you feel better having talked about it?”  
“A little. I feel loved. And I love you both so much.” John smiled wearily.  
Alexander pressed a kiss to John’s forehead and Eliza cuddled into his legs. They sat for a while, a tangled mess of limbs. They had never really gotten around to buying a couch big enough to comfortably fit 3 people, so they were all squished together, but it was okay because they were tired and in love.  
“Should we move? Or get dinner?” Alex sighed.  
“We probably should do both,” Eliza whispered. “but I think he fell asleep.”  
Sure enough, John had fallen asleep, his breath flowing out slowly and evenly. Alex and Eliza smiled at each other over John’s sleeping form.  
“I don’t want to wake him.” Alex said in hushed tones.  
“Alexander.”  
“Yes.”  
“When was the last time you slept and ate?”  
Alexander glanced away. He had kind of forgotten how tired and hungry he was.  
“Probably at least 20 hours.”  
Eliza shook her head and carefully extricated herself from John’s legs.  
“Go to sleep Alex. I’m going to make dinner.”  
“I love you.”  
“Love you too.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They try so hard to hold each other up, until they just can't

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! This chapter is quite a bit of angst, with a good bit of fluff as well. The next chapter is pure fluff tho, so be looking forward to that. Also several of you said the formatting is weird on the last chapter and I really apologize, so let me know if this is better. Thanks  
> TW for panic attacks and general anxiety   
> Stay safe friend buds

Eliza leaned hard against the counter and felt her hands press into the cold granite. Her partners were a lot. She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, focusing in on the quiet breaths of her boyfriends passed out together on the couch. John, all six feet of him, was curled up in Alexander’s lap. She badly wanted to join them, but with both of them having not slept or eaten, she really did have to be the one holding it together, or else none of them would get fed.

She pulled her phone out of her pocket. 10:26. Well then.  
She opened the cabinets to find them bare. It was usually John’s job to get groceries and, well, he hadn’t. All she really could find was some egg noodles and celery. She couldn’t feed them that. They needed real food. Alex hadn’t eaten in 20 hours, for God’s sake.

When John woke up, it was 2 in the morning. He woke up to Eliza curled up in the middle of all of the blankets in the house carefully laid out in front of the couch, peacefully asleep. John smiled.

“Liza?” John whispered, the contentment he felt evident in his voice.

Eliza hummed quietly and stretched like a cat. Her makeup was smeared, her hair was thrown up in a messy bun and she was wearing sweatpants and a sports bra, and John knew she had never looked more beautiful.

“Hi John. I bought food for us, but you were sleeping. And I didn’t want to leave you alone, so I made a nest. You both should get food, and then join me in this most comfortable of blanket piles.” 

“God I love you.” John said as he lightly shook Alex’s shoulder.

A scream rang out through the apartment. Alex sat bolt upright, screaming like something was attacking him. Screaming like something was dying. Screaming like he was dying. It only lasted a second, but by the time Alex fell quiet, Eliza was by his side, gently caressing his hand. John seemed in shock, and had backed into the corner of the couch, his worry evident in his face.

“Hey, hey, hey. Alexander. Sweetheart. What’s wrong?” Eliza cooed

“Worried. John.”

“John’s here. He’s okay. You’re okay. Take some deep breaths.” Eliza took his hand and put it on her chest and let him time his breaths with hers. It took just a few minutes before he took his hand away from her chest and laid back on the couch.

“Sorry.”

“No problem Sweetheart.” Eliza said, he face turning into a smile on instinct. She crawled towards John, still curled into the corner of the couch.  
“John. Darling, don’t worry. Alex is fine. He was just worried about you.”John nodded hurriedly, like he just wanted to get it over with. Eliza closed her eyes and sighed. They were a lot. She was a lot. They loved her, and she loved them.

“Okay. Food. Both of you. That’s an order from you commander. I got Thai.”

Alexander gave her a little salute and John let out a brief giggle. It was music to Eliza’ ears. She loved his laugh. She loved that he was functioning enough to laugh. She loved him.They all grabbed some plates of assorted Thai food. She watched as her boyfriends both ate at light speed. She had forgotten how little they would take care of themselves if left to their own devices. As soon as they all finished she pushed herself to standing and stood at attention.

“Second order of business, I am in desperate need of some cuddles, and you two are in desperate need of some sleep. Therefore, we are going to go to bed now.” She flopped backwards into the nest of blankets on the floor and nuzzled into them, letting out a slightly exaggerated contented sigh.   
“Join me.” she deadpanned, her eyes deadly serious for a moment, before returning to her smile. John smiled, a real smile, not fleeting or forced. 

“One condition. I get to be in the middle.”

“Deal.” Eliza agreed snuggling further into the blankets. John squished up against her and Alex, placing a soft kiss on his boyfriend's head 

“GAAAAAAAAAAYYY”Alex screamed, maybe a bit too loud.

“My god Alex, you are such an asshole.” Eliza groaned into John’s back.

“I am aware.” Alex stated curtly

“I am tempted to make a sex pun, but I am so tired and you guys are very good at cuddling.” John practically purred.

“Quick check in. How do both of you feel now? Mentally and physically.” Eliza yawned.

“Should I go first?” John sighed.

“Yeah. Sure.” Eliza whispered into his chest.

“I’ll do physically again first. Tired, not hungry anymore. Maybe a little hungry. Headache. Mostly tired.” He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, “Mental. Loved, worried, still angry kinda. I really do love you two.” Another deep breath. “Alex?”

“Yeah. Okay.” Alex said as he curled against John’s back. “My head hurts a bit, and I am most certainly tired. But other than that, I’m fine.”

“Alexander.” Eliza lightly chided.

“Well, work is hard and Jefferson is an ass and the country is in shambles. Being the Secretary of the Treasury really isn’t easy. Plus, it is projected to storm tomorrow and that isn’t helping.” Alexander half grumbled into a pillow.

“Babe.” Eliza said as she grabbed his hand. “You have to tell us when you are having a hard time. Jesus, Alex. You know you can talk to us. Sorry. Sorry. I’m just.” She let go of Alexander's hand and pulled away from John. John and Alex slowly sat up to see Eliza curled up into a ball, tears running down her face. John laid a soft hand on her shoulder and slowly rubbed circles into her back until her breathing slowed. Alex crawled towards them and held both of her hands in his. 

“Sorry. Sorry sorry sorry.” She whispered. “You guys have way more problems than me and I’m just being dramatic. I’m fine. I’m fine.”

“Liza.” Alex sighed, “You don't have to be the strong one. None of us are the strong one.”

“I know. I just… I love you both so much and I want to take care of you both. It's hard for me to see you hurting.” Eliza said, trying as hard as she could to hold it together. They sat in silence for a while. Just sort of holding each other while they all fell apart.

“Liza?” John whispered once it seemed the worst had passed. 

“Yeah?” She sniffled in return.

“How are you feeling?”

“Tired mostly. Sad a little because I feel like I let you both down. Cramps. I want chocolate. Yeah, mostly tired.” She flopped back into the blankets to emphasize her point. “And just to be clear neither of you are going to work tomorrow.” Both of the boys groaned. “Mental health and also physical health day!” Eliza protested and luckily there were no further complaints. She laid her head on John’s chest and felt the rise and fall of his breaths. John smiled and ran his fingers through her hair.

“Wow so hetero.” Alex said under his breath.

“He says, cuddling with his boyfriend and also his girlfriend who are both also dating each other.’ John shot back, smiling.

“Okay. Bed. Now. Sleeping.” Eliza said, the sleep deprivation obvious in her voice.

“Liza?” John asked.

“Yeah.”

“How long has it been since you’ve slept?"

Silence. And then.  
“Probably at least 24 hours. Running a non profit isn’t easy. You aren’t the only ones who can’t take care of yourselves”   
A sigh came from both John and Alexander. Silence hung in the air like smoke. Slowly the room filled with the sound of calm, quiet breaths, until even the most stubborn couldn’t resist the pull of sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this trash :)  
> Feel free to comment. Srsly y'all, your comments give me life :)

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again!  
> If you enjoyed that, please comment. Also if you didn't enjoy it. I love reading comments of all kinds and appreciate and read every single one.


End file.
